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Air conditioning   
07:42am 17/09/2010
mood: blah
Apparently the air conditioning is out for the entire unit. It is all bills paid and they have like one super huge swamp cooler that works great most of the time. They don't quite maintain it correctly all the time and it goes out sometimes. It went out last night and it is already hot today and it is only 7:38AM. Luckily we will be at work most of the day today and hopefully they will resolve it before we get home. If not, we will make an investment in a window unit. Hopefully they won't have rolling black outs over here like they did before we moved in.

Yesterday was a pretty good day as far as me being a dick. I tried as hard as I could to be nice. I messed up one time towards the end, but it wasn't too bad. I am going to try to really pay close attention to how I say things to people today. I think that I say things and don't even realize that I say them that way. That is a problem. I will be sure to pay close attention to how I say things, not just what I say. Both of those styles of communication can hurt people just the same if not more. Also it doesn't help that it sends mixed messages to people. I mean one thing, but say another with my tone.

There are a couple things that need to be taken care of today that I know of. That last PS3 needs to be fixed and I need to order beberly nicholes motherboard. That is the only really pressing things that I can think of. The rest of everything else is a gravy train with biscuit wheels. Well wish me luck! 

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Havn't posted in a while   
08:23am 16/09/2010
mood: optimistic
I felt the need to post on live journal for some reason. I think this thing is like a long lost jewel from the past. Facebook and myspace don't quite cut it sometimes for journaling and what not. You have to many people that want to use it, twist it and make it their own. For the most part I feel like I am doing okay inside. Debbie and I do good and then we do bad. I think it is normal. Who in this world that is a couple, married and been together 5 years almost, work together and live together don't have some arguments and disagreements? I don't know. I know that I cannot take her inventory. I must only take mine. There is nothing about her that I can change. I can only change the parts of me that are causing problems and hope that change in her will take suit. I truly believe this relationship is worth me changing for the better. I am not opposed to that at all. I want to become a better person, but sometimes it is hard to change the person that I have become. The person that has been trained to act a certain way. It is like breaking free of my own personal chains.

Today is going to be fun I am sure. We have plenty of work to do at the shop. I am going to be there a little early and have been up since about 6:50am or so. IT is way better than yesterday when I woke up late. That was the beginning of some of our problems. I was angry and she felt like I was blaming her and taking it out on them. I totally over reacted I know that, but I tried to move on from there. There is something I am not quite getting and am not sure how to get. Once something bad happens I try to move on and improve on my day. Debbie usually gets stuck on it and stays mad. I am not sure how I should react once I have already messed up. Is there some way to bond out? Can I make it right or am I just being punished for what I have done. It doesn't make sense to me that once I mess up one time that day it ruins it for the whole day. That is really a lot of pressure to not say or do anything wrong. I am not sure that I can do it. It is almost like walking on egg shells. So what do I do from here to change myself for better. I am not sure on that.

Well I call help down from the gods or maybe God is better. Help me not be an ass today. Help me being caring, loving and understanding. Help me control this tongue that you have given me. Help me to say words that build people up and not ones that destroy them. Words are very powerful and I think that I forget that as well as the rest of the world. We can destroy people by our words or build them up. I think it all starts with choice.

Today I woke up and was very nice. I cooked breakfast and was very cordial. I think I have a good start. I just have to maintain that at work. IT will be really hard. What a challenge. I love my family and wouldn't give it up for anything.

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10:21pm 02/04/2006
mood: depressed
That is how I feel today is blah and it explains my mood perfectly. I have felt that way for like 3 days now and it isn't getting any better. I have some kind of sinus infection and havnt been hungry at all. I finally chocked down some whataburger tonight. I feel a little better. To fight off an illness you need the gas to do it and rest as well. I havn't been getting much rest either. We ended up getting a room at the holiday inn and that is where I am at right now. They have internet access so I am taking advantage of it. Loren was like 3 hours late for work today. I finally went to sleep at about 5:30am after that fiasco and slept until about 12:30pm. The whole time it was like a restless sleep though. I kinda feel like I am going crazy in a way. I am just not happy. I am depressed and I'm not sure why.

I was notified today that Loni associates with Loren. That made me cringe. That is just sickening. I really appreciated it the way he brought it to me. He was worried about me getting involved with the wrong kinda people. He knew I was trying to fly it straight and was worried that I may get pulled back down if I stay with Loren. absolutly NOTHING good can come out of Loni and Loren knowing each other. I can't be with someone that uses either and that is kind of a concern. She says she isn't,but iono. Loni and Loren have to many common letters.. that is scary.

I don't have a ride back to the center tomorrow.. that sucks.. Hopefully I will manage. Nick got to hook up with Barbara today. She really likes him. She is a really nice girl. I hope he doesn't hurt her..............

our motel room is fucking trashed. It was trashed when we got it. There was trash and dirty bed linen and towels already there when we got there. Now all our trash is on top of it. They used the drawer for a trashcan.. haha. I'm so tired that I'm dilerious... well thats all for now.

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budget inn   
04:14am 02/04/2006
mood: blah
Well here I am at the budget inn. Am I staying here as a guest? hell no. Loren and I went to go hang out with nick at the flying saucer and then he invited us to go back to his place. Shortly after arriving there he informed me that we needed to go get a motel because of his roomates. That was gay shit. So we went to go find a motel.

Part II of the "gay ass fiasco":

I accidentily locked the keys in the car. I left it unlocked and Loren said something about me leaving it open so I locked it and the keys were in it. It is 150 for a locksmith so we decided against calling him. I posted up inside the motel because it has free internet access. Nick and Loren are outside using a hammer and a clothes hanger to open the car. I have free coffee and internet here. That is all I really need to survive.

I am due back on monday morning by 7:00am. I have to work at 8:00am. I wonder which motel we are going to stay at.. who knows. I was getting sleepy,but had some coffee. I'm good at staying up all hours of the night because I have had good practice doing so. I am still young right :).

That is all for now.. im going to get some more coffee and see what they are up to.

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stuck like chuck.   
11:50am 29/03/2006
mood: bored
my mother always leaves me with no car seat. I hate that shit. when she does that I have no way to leave since I have Kellen. that kinda sucks. Loren was supposed to come over here today and i wanted to go with her to weatherford to get her check so i could pay my phone bill. now i cant leave until my mom gets here and she isn't going to get here until i have to go back. that is okay though. i just keep telling myself 14 days.. 14 days and i wont have to ever worry about what time i go back again.

on a different note me and that loren chick are going to start seeing each other. we wont really have much time to see each other though. we both work at taco bell,but different ones. she goes to school and works full time. i work fulltime and only get to leave twice a week for the next 14 days. she asked me to go to her prom with her next saturday. i didnt even go to my own prom. im probably going to go with her though. ill have to get a tux and all that crap.

--that is all for now.

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first date in 2 and a half years!   
12:23am 29/03/2006
mood: thankful
i just got back from a semi-date with loren. i had a good time. it was the first date i'v been on since i'v been out. we went to eat at montanas and we got to talk and shit. she was going to go over to another friend of hers,but it didnt work out so she came over here and got me. i think we hit it off alright. i was depressed for most of the night and im not sure why. going on my passes and not doing anything really bothers me. plus i was expecting loren to not call me or something. or to not be intresting in me or some crap like that. i figured she would find something wrong with me. i mean why would someone like me right? thats how i view reality most of the time. I have a fucked up view on reality, especially now that its not all tore up with chemicals. you think that it would clear up a little bit,but hell no it hasn't. i have more major problems with depression and mood instability. i have been off of drugs for like 9 months on the 5 of april and im still all messed up emotionally and chemically. i think it is the fact that i some what self medicated myself with all the drugs. i was supposed to go to mhmr to get a pyshcological evaluation, and maybe i still should.

im really glad that i have faith for a friend. she is really the only friend i have right now that isnt incarcerated at the halfway house. if it werent for her then i dunno what i would do. otherwise i would have nobody to talk to or associate with. the only times iv went out and did anything is when she was involved. she is really loved and appreciated and i hope she knows that.. love you faithy.

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ehhh maybe maybe   
07:26pm 28/03/2006
mood: restless
Havn't really did too much today. Faithy woke me up at like 9:30 cuz she was skipping school. She came over and kept me occupied for most of the day. I cleaned the living room and shit. OMG OMG Kellen put a needle nose pliar part off a multi purpose knife and it ripped my shirt. That was a sad sad time. Kellen threw rocks and almost hit himself in the head. That would't have been good.

I got Beckys number today,but that one is disconnected to. I don't think it was meant for me to get back in contact with her. The odds have been working against me for the past 3 months and they keep on keeping on so I am going to lay off of trying to get in contact with her. I'm going to give this a try with Loren and see how that works out. She doesn't get off work until like 9 tonight and she has to go to school in the morning so we probably won't get to hang out or anything. I gotta go back to the center tomorrow. I have like 2 weeks left there yippee. I gotta save 1000 dollars by the 12th of april though. That is attainable. Well that is all for now.. peace people.

I already posted this on myspace.. I don't really like myspace that much. I think livejournal kicks its ass anytime. I'm not really depressed anymore. I am kinda like a rollercoster.. Some days I am and some days I'm not. Today I'm not.. JUST FOR TODAY!! yay. I think it is just the lonliness... I dunno who knows. I'm going to eat dinner now though..

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01:08am 28/03/2006
mood: hopeful
well well.. i just got back from fortworth to granbury and faith informed me that she had found me a girl. She told me last week she was looking for one for me,but I didn't take her serious. As soon as I got to Granbury she got in contact with me and they came and picked me up and we all hung out. I had a really good time. We didn't really do that much,but it has been a while since I have got out to do anything. We drove out to lipan and then back to granbury and went and hung out at the park. We walked around the twisty sidewalk and then back around to the car. Faith said she was intrested in me so that is good. I liked her too. Maybe it will be something and maybe not.. Hopefully it will.

When we stopped to get gas the strangest thing happened. I saw bobbi hibbs getting gas at the same gas station. What a coincidence. I thought she was the old nurse up at the school and it ended up being bobbi. I gave her a hug and told her it was good to see her. That was about all that was. She seems to be really weary around me for some reason. That is okay though.

I also talked to the Taco Bell here in granbury about working there. They want me to fill out an application and they are going to put me on part time there. Im about to make manager at the one in fortworth and will probably do the same there as well. I was going to juggle fulltime at both of those jobs if I could. Open at one close on the other. I only have about 14 days left until I am out of the halfway house. I can't wait for that shit. I'll be working more and driving and all that stuff. Things are working out pretty well for me. As long as I stay away from the dope I'm all good in da hood. Well that is all for now.. lllater.

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my head hurts   
04:47pm 22/03/2006
  i had to reteach myself to code css and html. I helped erin with a myspace layout. I reread all my journal entries and it really depressed me. I was at the point where I wanted to delete this whole fucking thing. I got to read where I was really happy in my life and then where it went to shit.I wish I could go back in time and change some of the things I did. BLAH BLAH BLAH. I am happy where my life is now,but fuck I could have done a lot of different things and been happyier. I just gotta take it one day at a time. I didnt really do much this pass. I almost tracked down becky. Of course she is seeing someone right now. IT is really good to talk to Erin again. It is so amazing how love for someone doesnt go away. The number one true regret in my life is fucking that relationship up. I am always waiting for some magical faery to come out of the sky and grant me one wish... THAT wont happen,but yeah. well my head does hurt and I have to be back at 6:30 and it is 4:50.. hmmm wonder where my mom is..  

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12:20am 15/03/2006
  I havnt updated this in a long fucking time. a lot has happened in my life.I got locked up for a year and got 4 years probation. I am in a halfway house right now. I have like 28 days left. I work at the taco bell off of cherry lane. I am visiting in granbury right now. I am spending some time with my son and what not. It is nice to be off the dope. Well ill try and update more often for everyone.  

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another day   
02:47am 28/09/2004
  I went to fortworth and looked for a job. I didn't really have much luck though. I did get some stuff accomplished though. I came back to granbury and got my I.D. made and got the information I need to get my licence back. I have to dispute this wreck first. I don't have to,but there is an accident on my record that I was not in. After I win that it will be like 200.00 to get my licence back.

I am kinda staying here at my moms house now. I was staying at Loni's house,but ended up over here after I came to watch Kellen. I think my mom wanted me to stay here again for some reason. She knows that if I am over at Loni's I will probably mess up. I am just depressed when I am over there anyways. Loni treats herself like a piece of trash. She just sleeps with anyone that is around and she is an alcoholic now.

I talked to my lawyer today and he told me to watch out because Granbury is trying to set me up for failure. He said there is no telling what they are liable to do to get my probation revolked. I'm going to have to do everything perfect if I want to stay out of jail. I have to call Star Council tomorrow and get enrolled in that. Not only that I have to get on my community service and those awesome n/a meetings.

I will have a cell phone soon. I just have to bother my friend Randy enough until he gets it out of his storage. If not, I will just use the shitty sprint service I have. Well, thats all for now. PEACE.

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like oh my gawd   
12:07am 27/09/2004
  wow looks like im back in the live journal thing. I just got out of jail. I was there for 5 months. Seems like it was forever. It was really just a flash of my life. It seemed like a long time while I was there ,but now it seems short. I ended up getting 4 years probation. I had 3 felonys.. fraudulent use of possession of identifying information,but one was dropped...possession of a dangerous drug.. that was dropped.. theft by check, evading arrest..(got away) and failure to id.

I was staying over at Loni's house,but the past few days I'v been at my moms. I am going to go looking for a job in fort worth tomorrow. I need to get some cash flow in.

My little brother fell off his bike and burned his arm and had to go to the hospital. His girlfriend Faith fell off too and broke her glasses. I felt sorry for her because like 30 minutes before we were talking about how if her glasses broke she couldn't afford to get anymore. My mom is going to buy her some new ones though.

Well thats all for now. I am going to close with that. I'll write more later.

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what luck   
02:10am 04/02/2004
  After helping this old lady at walmart by taking her to get her spare set of keys for her car and bringing her back to walmart bryan sparks and I got pulled over by a police officer for having no licence plate light. It so ended up that the registration sticker was stolen from a church van here in Granbury texas. I got some gay ticket and they let us go.

Tomorrow Loni and I have to go cash our income tax check that we filed jointly for even though we aren't together. We got a total of 3100 dollars which isn't that bad. There was a huge fiasco over that that I don't feel like getting into. Maybe I will later. All kinds of shit is just fuxored up. I also have an interview tomorrow at 9:30 at the chrysler dealership in the parts department. I am going to be stocking parts and doing internet sales for parts or something. Sounds like a lot of fun. Now that they scraped my fake registration sticker off I don't really have a car to do all that stuff, but I am going to anyways.

The reason I don't have my own sticker is because the nasty bitch from stephenville I bought the car from is being shiesty about the title. She was all trying to get Robert and me to have sex with her for the title. I told her to suck my ass and she got kinda pissed off about it. She is an old nasty bitch. She is definetly cashed. I don't wanna hit that shit.

Dude I can't get shit and its pissing me off. I need some work. I am SOOO in debt. That is okay. After I get this money from the income tax I will have 800 cash and I will be like bling bling mother fucker.. give me some shit for this cash money I have here. I will prevail yet.

I have to get my cv joints repaired on both wheels. The brakes are acting up and the harmonic balancer still needs to get fixed. I need a tune-up and all this bullshit. I was supposed to fix this computer for my friends shannon to do some of the work on the car,but I havn't been able to fix the computer and he is pretty pissed off cuz I d on't have some part. I have been blowing him off and need to call him cuz he will beat my ass.

I need to clean my fucking room, it is a mess. I usually don't let it get like that ,but jesus christ I have b.een lazy lately. I wake up at 3pm or 7pm and it depresses me. I am going to be making a lot of changes in my life pretty soon. I don't feel like typing so later..

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03:28pm 22/12/2003
mood: drained
I am just sitting on my ass at the Ranch still. Nathan had to go to work today,but Erin didn't and we both woke up at 1. I went in there and woke her up after I took a shower. I wanted her to take me to town,but she said we have to wait on Nathan to get here before we can go.

Once we get to town I have to go and pick Ambers car up. I am going to go and pick Krysta up so we can hang out. We were supposed to hang out yesterday,but I wasn't able to get a car to go and get her, and besides, I was so fucking tired. I am still tired,but it isn't so bad today. I have no clue what we are going to do. We are probably just going to sit around like usual. More than likely we will come back here if that's cool with Nathan and Erin which it will be.

I have to go get my check today and talk to my work. I wasn't able to get a ride saturday cause everyone sucks ass. The day itself was alright,but I still needed a ride up to my work to talk to daryl. My head hurts so I am going to take some headache medicine. I also have to go up to the nutshell today.

I told noname1515 that I would come over and hang out and party with him so I am going to do that later. He doesn't do anything anymore and he deserves to have a good time since his mom screwed him over with the money she was supposed to be giving him. I feel bad for him cause he was looking foreward to getting his truck and now he just has to wait longer.

I have no clue what I am doing for christmas. I am probably just going to go to Dana's house because they are the closest thing I have to family in this town and that is what christmas is supposed to be like. I would like to spend some time with Krysta,but I highly doubt that is going to happen. I need to go pick up some stuff from the store I wanted to get for Kellen. I won't even see him until the 29th anyways.

I am going to get off here and go and make something else to eat cuz I am hungry again. I also need to remember to stop by walmart and pick up some centrum so I can start taking that on a regular basis. I feel drained and I know its vitamin/nutrient defeciency. Also scooby doo is on and I am missing it OMFG.

How come some people thing that problems are solved if you just forget about them? I think that is just the bomb digidy. Yeah right.. peace out.

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kinda tired   
11:53am 21/12/2003
mood: exhausted
I am just sitting here chillin at the ranch with Nathan. Erin and Shane left already to go to work. Erin had to be at work at 12:00 and shane had to be at work at 4:00. He didn't trust I would find him a ride so he left early with Erin. We are kinda stranded here now,but thats okay. I am waiting on Dana to come over here and see me. She had to go pay the electric bill and then xmas shop and she was heading over here. I am all the way in cresson so it kinda sucks.

I never got a chance to go and pick up my check from work. That sucks ass. Oh well, I will go in and do it tomorrow. I am about to have two new jobs. I am going to be working at the chevron on pearl street and also at the nutshell. The head chef came into the chevron when I was there waiting and wanted me to come in and fill out an application.

Last night ryan through a christmas party at his house. I hung out at josh's house until erin got off of work then we headed over to ryans house to check out the party. There wasn't too much going on when I got there. All the beer was already gone and basically the party was over. They had a deejay spinning and I convinced him to get on the tables and spin a little while I was there. I talked to Richard and he asked me if I wanted to stay at his house. All the rooms are taken and it is kinda trashy,but it is a place to stay. I can clean the place up atleast. I just hate how they always throw parties and shit cuz it will always cause drama and trouble. I definetly wouldn't wanna share a room with any of them guys cuz they are so dirty. I can't stand it when the space I live in is fucking trashed as fuck. I like a clean enviroment. It makes me happier. After we left ryans party we took josh and kevin home and went out to the ranch and I am still hanging out here. We played dominos and spades all night or something. I talked on the phone a little bit too. Yesterday was a descent day compared to the day before. Speaking of yesterday...

I had the shit beat out of myself the other day. Justin Hill finally decided he wanted to beat my ass. Friday night I called Loni and Alicia to see if they would do me a favor. They were hanging out with gay ass justin hill. He ended up calling me back from alicia's cell phone and asking what was up and giving me directions to where he was. I ran inside the house real quick and everyone was partying and shit. They were all drinking and laughing having a good time. Justin and some of his friends were playing foozball. He and Loni started play fighting and then took it outside. He then asked me to follow them outside. They continued play fighting in the yard and then suddenly justin walked up to a truck that was parked running on the side of the house and tapped on the window. He put the window down and started talking to someone in the truck. I leaned against the truck and just stood there. All of the sudden he looked at me and dashed at me then proceeded to punch me in the face. He hit me like 2 more times and I backed up. He hit me again and I just fell on the ground and told him what the fuck justin, this is lame I didn't fucking do anything man. He started kicking me and stepping on my face and eventually some guy pulled him off of me. I swear to god Justin is one crazy motherfucker. While he was whipping my ass, he said, don't ever call me to buy speed again! I didn't call him in the first place and definetly didn't want to buy anything from him. After some dude pulled him off of me my boot fell off. I reached down to grab it and Justin snagged it before I could. After that I just got the fuck out of there. When I was leaving he was like where is del at now! He thought that Del was in the car waiting on me when it was nathan and Erin. Justin and del have some problems so I think that those assumptions were part of his motivation. After that I took off and they continued persuing me for over 2 hours. They chased Nathan and Erin with two trucks that they had. Nathan said they were in a high speed persuit all over granbury. They tried punching the window out and ripping the mirror off. They didn't ever suceed though. I had no coat and I was missing one shoe. It was 30 degrees and it fucking sucked ass. I hid for like an hour and then picked up these two metal pipes and took off all covert like down cleveland road. I had to dodge their cars and hide when they drove by looking for me. I walked all the way from sandy beach to wranglers across from the bowling alley. I was so cold it was un believable. The lady that was working was really nice and gave me free coffee. She kept trying to get me to press charges on him and I was reluctant. While I was deciding weather I wanted to or not a cop came in and saw me. I looked like shit and he asked what happened. I told him and he called a deputy and I ended up deciding to file charges. I wouldn't have accept that I had to fucking walk so far in the cold. That really pissed me off. Not just that,but they stole my fucking boot and that is sad. I loved those boots and I want them back. I don't think Justin was supposed to be off the base and I hope he gets in lots of trouble because I filed charges on him. What a fucking retard. There are a lot of people that are looking to beat his ass though and I think it's funny. He only left one visible mark on me and that was a knot on the top of my forhead on the left. Other than that I was untouched. Nathan said that was amazing cuz he saw him pounding the crap out of me.

Krysta is supposed to be home today around 5 or 6 and that's exciting. I think she said she was going to be able to hang out and thats awesome. It's been forever since I'v seen her and I really want to. I wrote this really long heart felt letter to her,but I dunno if I'm gonna give it to her. It is kinda graphic in a way and I dunno if poor krysta could handle such a letter without flipping out haha. I'll probably give it to her after I take her home or something. The first line beside her name says beware this letter is going to make you feel very awkward and uncomftorable haha. It took me so fucking long to write the thing I am definetly going to have to give it to her. That puts me in a good mood the stuff I read in her journal now. She reassured me that she only wants to me with me and that I make her really happy and all that. For a little while I thought we had lost it,but it's going to be good now. I have always been really straight foreward with my feelings for her and problems I have had and hopefully she will do the same when its in a reverse situation. I can't wait for her to get home. I havn't even heard her voice in a couple days and that really sucks. I gotta find a way to go pick her up and bring her back. I already have several ideas incase one of them doesn't work out or something. She said that she might try and get her mom to let her drive to Granbury. That would make things so fucking simple and easy. Either way it doesn't matter because we will get to see each other one way or the other. Nathan and Erin both already said she could come out here to the ranch and hang out. Things are so peaceful here and stress free. I think Krysta will feel at home around the cattle since she is from Stephenville ;-). I wanna keep on writing,but I have really said everything I wanna write here in the letter. I was going to put the whole thing in my live journal,but for some reason I had this crazy idea to give the letter to Krysta and not put it here. It is now 4-5 hours and 16 minutes until krysta gets back.. yay!

Jacob Clark called me yesterday and that was exciting. He usually doesn't call me to want to hang out at all. He used to be my best friend and we hung out like everyday. He wanted to hang out after he did his community service. He is another person that could go and pick krysta up or whatever. I know he would do it if I asked him. I'll give him a call later and see what's up.

One of my friends danny was going to let me move into an extra room that he has at his house. This was back when Erin and me were still together. I thought since we broke up he wouldn't want me to live there anymore,but he said I could if I was serious about it. It is such a pimp fucking room. If I got that room, I would be so damned happy. I am supposed to get him a cdrom from a friend and go to his house and install it then meet his mom. They need the help financially so they would benifit from having me live there. I need to get some rest though before meeting his mom. Or atleast recharge.. muahhahaha.

Kellen is gone to florida with my mother. He is going to be gone until the 29th. That really sucks because I wanted ot be with Kellen on Christmas. I am not going to get anything else and don't expect it,but I really wanted to be with Kellen,but we don't always get what we want now do we? I havn't seen him in about a week and it is killing me. She didn't even let any of his other family spend ANY time with him before they left. I think that is such ho ass shit.

I am hoping my I.D. came in the mail yesterday. It doesn't take that long to get just the texas I.D. card back. I am excited about getting it cuz it's been so long since I have had a valid state I.D. Ahh... the simple pleasures of life. I somehow miss placed my birth certificate and temporary I.D. I know that it isn't lost. I really think that it is in Dana's car somewhere cause that is where I had it last. I had it in there when I last borrowed her car. I am going to check more thorough when she comes out here later. I am trying to decide if I want to go back to granbury with her or not. I have some business I need to take care of and I need to do it in a timely manor.

Loni was telling me about this new guy she is dating and his name is like sledge or some shit and he is like 52 years old. That is so fucking old. Why would a 21 year old girl want to date a 52 year old guy. That is so fucking sick. That is like 13 years older than her mom is. Her mom is younger than the guy.. that is fucking insane. Loni is like fucked up in the head now I swear. Even worse that before. She gives a new meaning to the word dope fucked.. thats for damn sure. She just sleeps with anyone that will sleep with her now. Money is a great reason to sleep with a guy and keep him around. haha right. I don't even care that much anymore,but that is still sick. What is it with Loni and Mandy. Mandy is 19 and with a 32 year old and loni is 21 and with a 52 year old. That is so fucking wacked out. I think it's crazy that Mandy is with my friend Del. He did my tattoo and has been a friend for like a year now. He is married right now,but hopefully soon he is going to dump her and just be exclusive with Mandy. Mandy is so in love with him and I don't want to see her get hurt over this anymore. She is like my little sister and I try and look out for her. He definetly needs to make up his fucking mind. I don't see what the problem is. Mandy is so much better looking than dallas in everyway. Dallas is psyhco and Mandy is not. There is no point in Del and Dallas being together right now. Del better not just be playing Mandy or that would piss me the fuck off. If that is the case, I might have to just not do anything. Del could whip my ass so fucking easily. I am going to tell him what I think about the whole situation,because I think that he is doing Mandy so wrong. All she does is sit around and wait on Del to get there all day long. She is completly exclusive to him and turns down so many guys,but yet he stays married and lies about being with Dallas. It will all catch up to him eventually.

Wow, I really miss Krysta. I am really anxious for her to make her appearance online. I just want to see her and hold her so bad. I am not have that bad of anxiety,but it definetly could be worse. I wish I could call her at her grandparents or whatever. I think I should just chill out cuz it't only been like 4 days since I have seen her today. Relative to reality that is not very long at all. It has just seemed like forever. Especially since we were kinda fighting or whatever we were doing. I just want to give her a hug and tell her she is the most beautiful, perfect girlfriend in the world. I think I am definetly being obsessive. I should stop that before I scare her haha. It is so hard to not be obsessive when it comes to Krysta. I just can't get enough.

I am so exhausted and my body is so damn sore from all the running and fighting and shit. My feet have multiple blisters on them. Especially the foot that didn't have a shoe when I was making my way back to town. I am about to go lay down so my body can get some fucking rest. I think it will feel so damn good to just lay down and relax for a little while. My muscles are mad at me. I need to buy some centrum. I love that stuff and it is so good for you its crazy. It's one of the best vitamin suppliments you can take. Well I will write more later fo shizzle cuz I am in the writing mood or something like that.

Oh yeah. I aquired a new beanie and I bet Krysta is going to like it. I look really good in it. I am wearing it today so she can see it when we hang out. The time for us to hang out is getting closer and closer.. woot! I think I definetly look really hott for Krysta today. I look hott except for the bags under my eyes from lack of sleep. I am about to go take care of that though.

I volunteered to watch Amber's baby kaele so she could go to work. She didn't seem too intrested though. I think that she wanted to miss work today. She said she would call me back and she never did. This was like at 9:30 or earlier that this happened. Her baby is annoying as fuck,but I still like her for some reason.

This is definetly all for now though. This is like my longest post in a long time and maybe even ever. I think I need to tell my life story on another entry. I know some person is gonna get pissed off cuz this entry is so long and it fills up their entire friends list. If they don't like it then too bad. They can just remove me if they don't want to read my journal. It's not like you are supposed to keep it 100-200 words or something. It is a damned journal. You say what you feel and if it takes up a lot of space then who gives a shit.

*pries fingers from keyboard and presses update journal violently*

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homeless.. blah..   
12:44pm 19/12/2003
mood: depressed
This morning at 8:30 I was kicked out from where I was staying. I don't care though cuz I had it coming I guess. Loni's stepdad got out of jail monday and he was "regulating". He said that I needed to get up off my ass and do something. Everyone else was still asleep,but I needed to get up and something. I clean that house all the time and offer Dana rent money,but she won't take it. He said that everyone told him how they were tired of me just laying around and blah blah so I was like fine, I'll leave. He woke me up at 8:30 in the morning to help move a dryer out of the house. He kept telling me not to smart off ,but I don't really remember smarting off to him. I got my shit ready and took off walking. I had nowhere to go. I went to the coffee grinder and then erin picked me up. Not my ex.. well she is one of my ex's ,but not erin watts.

I think all the shitty stuff I have done in my life and said is finally catching up to me. I think that I am about to really be hurt. I probably deserve it though. I am going to take care of business here pretty soon. I talked to Krysta earlier today and am supposed to call her back. I don't think she wants to be with me anymore really. I think I am going to make it easy for her. From reading her journal entrys it sounds like to me she likes other people so I am going to make it okay for her to go ahead and date those people. On those surveys they ask do you have a crush on someone and she puts heh. HMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... that sure makes me wonder if she does or not. Shit if you like someone else fucking go for it, thats all I'm saying. That pisses me off that she is gonna go hang out at stephens house without telling me. I mean granted I live at my ex girlfriends house,but we both don't like each other at all and Krysta knows that I am staying there. I know she would have went to stephens house without telling me anything and that makes me upset because I know he still likes her and from the sound of it she likes him and I wonder where that would lead? If we makes her so happy when he calls then why the fuck should I even call anymore? Maybe she should go out with wes and he would make her happier than I am. Obviously I am not making her happy or she wouldn't be so depressed all the time and blah blah. When we got together, I thought she wanted space and to not be smothered. I don't call her for a couple days and she freaks out. I mean she has a right to freak out,but seriously if she has a problem all she has to do is tell me and I will fix it. I care so much about her and would do anything for her,but I know she wouldn't do the same for me. It is completly different because I love her and maybe I shouldn't. I thought this was going to be so great,but now it obviously is going to shit. I dunno what to do anymore. Oh well.. I am sure I am going to get what I deserve in the end.. All I can do is think about Krysta and that sucks... Ah well.. I miss you whenever you read this for what thats worth.,. I'm out..

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Fuck the world..   
11:30pm 18/12/2003
mood: depressed
I would like to say that in general people are fucking stupid. They have no clue how to relate with people. Or express themselves on a normal everyday basis. If something bothers them they hide it and decide not to tell other people because they think it'll be better off that way, but thats fucking retarded. Whats the point of not being honest with someone when your not its like your lying to yourself and everybody else. It makes me wonder how often I am lied to by people that I care about and are close to me. It just makes me sick. Physically and psychologically sick. I said in the dark and I see the clock it'ss 11:40 and there is nothing I can do about how I feel about my pathetic life. All day I have been trying to figure out how I could fix this, why that is going wrong, but I am through. Theres no point in having stressfulthings in my life anymore. I am sick of putting all my trust in people and them turning around and stabbing me in the back or being decieptful. You think you care about someone or something and it turns out to be a false hope or a premisconception and it turns out in the end you were wrong to put your energy into it.

I see a bright light. Some of you might ask what that light is. Some of you may think it represents hope, and some may have their own opinion about what the light represents. But to me the light is simple. It represents something far less important then hope, far less important then the simplest thing. The light I see lets me know that I should keep going and shoudlnt give up. That light used to be in a person but not anymore. The light I see represents loneliness and happiness. No matter what emotion the light represents its a constant reminder of the failure in my life.

When do you really know when you should let your feelings and emotions not get attached? I've always had a hard time doing that myself. I love people and they obviously dont give a shit about me. I let myself be concerned with their wellbeing. I guess that is one of mt weaknesses. I always am confused on whether that is a good thing or a bad thing, but recently it has come to my attention that it is definately a negative thing. I consider myself a confident person when it comes to loves in relationships, but when you are with someone that cant even understand their own feelings its a real depressing thing. I cant understand why the majority of people cant express themselves, show their feelings, be honest with themselves, be honest to their boyfriends, and deal with their own emotions. It is beyond my understanding. I try very hard to be a good person and to make other people happy. I know nobody is perfect and god know Im not; but i liked part of being in a relationship so that the other person can help make you a better person and guide you when you do something wrong or that bothers them. If two people that are together cant even be honest with each other how can they expect their relationship to work? I think honesty is not just lying to someone, its also not telling them how you feel and what bothers you. I think that I've done my best to do that in my relationship, but obviously my girlfriend doesnt do that. That disturbs me greatly. Im kind of lost in the dark here about what I should do. I read this and I read that. But nothing is said to me so what the fuck am I supposed to believe or think. See I get online and read her journal entries, but when I talk to her its always a completely different story. Im really at loss for words here. It unfuckingbelieveable at how yesterday I think things are so perfect and yet today I dont even know if we are going to be together tomorrow. Things are so weird and I have no fucking clue what I did. That bothers me. Seriously if Krysta is in Granbury she should have found time and a way to come see me. I couldnt imagine taking a trip to Stephenville and not finding time to see my girlfriend. Who knows when I am going to get to see her again and shes going to Fort Worth with Jen tomorrow and Im almost willing to bet anything that she wont find time to come see me. But that is expected. I knew the minute she told me not to come get her I wouldnt be seeing her today. Maybe I shouldnt be pissed off about that, but who knows if I am anyways. I sometimes wonder if Krysta even wants to be in this relationship anymore. She tells me she does, but that doesnt mean anything. If she doesnt, I wish she would tell me so I dont fucking waste my time.

So in conclusion, my life is fucking confusing and tortureous. Maybe I am just reacting, but thats just what I do when I really care. Tomorrow Krysta and I will be together one month. Wow..fun filled day of sitting on my ass and most likely not hanging out with Krysta. This relationship rating on a one to ten we would probably be about a eight. I was just so sure that Krysta was going to be a perfect 10.

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my head hurts   
11:12am 06/12/2003
mood: blah
I don't feel like typing very much right now cuz im so fucking tired. I have just been working. Thursday I got to see Krysta and we went up to my work and ate. It was karaoke and I got drunk and fucking sang karaoke and it was hilarious. The owner and I sang all night and it was great. After that I went over to mandys house and hung out with her all night. The next day I was 4 hours late for work cuz i had to go get my birth certificate and I.D made. I didn't think I would be that late,but Loni didn't come home until like 12:00. After that I went to work on no sleep and worked until like 12:00. I made like 35 bucks in tips on 4 tables and then katy took me home.

Krysta and I almost broke up last night. We talked things through and are going to stay together. I was just freaking out because she can't come to Granbury anymore cuz of that wreck she got into. It wasn't even a bad wreck at all or anything. Maybe it's selfish,but the only time we have ever got to see each other she has used her car to make it happen. She said she would figure out someway,but I highly doubt she can. I really do hope things work out.

Kellen wants me to read a book to him.. my head hurts.. im gonna go.. bye

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second day at work   
05:08pm 04/12/2003
mood: wired!!
It was so slow today it was crazy. They said it was way slower than it usually is. I didn't really get to learn that much,but they are still going to let me wait tables without training another day because I am just awesome. I sat at the bar for like an entire 2 hours and drank because there was nothing to do. No customers came in and everything was done. I ate a meatball sub and damn it was good.

I havn't heard from toggler today so I don't know if she is coming or not. I think that if I don't hear from her soon I am going to call and get them to let me work. I want to be sure I know what the fuck is going on before I am on the floor by myself. Besides, tonight is karaoke night and I don't wanna miss that. I might just go hang out of there and drink or whatever. It is a complete blast. I really hope I get to see krysta though. I havn't seen her in so long it seems.

I'm gonna get Loni to take me up to the DMV and get my id made finally. I have to get it done before like monday. Monday I will go and get my social security card. Maybe I can do that on Saturday,but I doubt it. Hopefully when I go up there to get it made I won't go to jail haha. There is no telling really lol. From my understanding everything should be cool. I called and talked to all the counties I have warrents when I wanted to sit my time out. They said that I couldn't sit it out down here and that none of the counties would come pick me up. The lady said that since they were all traffic warrents they don't even show up in state wide searches anyways so yay. I have had those bitches for like four fucking years. I'll never take care of them. That statute of limitations runs out in 3 more years ;-).

I think I am going to get my friend jacob koppang a job where I work. That would be bad ass. That kids awesome. More later.. I am tired of typing.. well not really,but if I don't stop now I never will haha.

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11:31am 04/12/2003
  Well Loni is on her way to come pick me up for work. She went to court today and they want to give her a years probation,80 hours of community service and 1400 dollars in restitution. That is without a lawyer. They are giving her one week to get a lawyer before she comes back. She is trying to get Hattox. They were saying the sentence should be half what they are trying to give her. All she had was one valium so she is being charged with possesion of a controlled substance.

I'm not sure how late I work today. I wanted to work the night shift too so I might be working until 12 tonight. I am supposed to get off at like 5:30 or 6:00. If that happens I will probably be able to hang out with toggler tonight. That would be great. Otherwise she is going to come up to my work and see me atleast. Just call my cell whenever okay baby? I <3 you!

I am kinda hungry,but I don't feel like eating. There is no milk so I can't eat cereal. I might eat something at work later if I can. I'm pretty sure I will get free food... mhhmm free food. I am just not that hungry anymore now that I am taking zoloft. My apetite is pretty shitty,but whatever. I am a lot happier until i get wasted ;-). Then all my problems just come back lol.

Tonight is karaoke night at my work. I am supposed to sing hahahahaha. They said usually only the owner sings for karaoke and I was like, I'll sing, shiiiiiit. I'm going to give a beautiful rendetion of semi charmed life by third eye blind.

God my tooth hurts so bad. When I first got to work today it hurt so fucking bad. I was chewing gum and then I smiled and OMFG. The pain was so intense it made me light headed. i gotta go loni is here.

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