Michael Ruddell (pr_toman) wrote,
Michael Ruddell

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first date in 2 and a half years!

i just got back from a semi-date with loren. i had a good time. it was the first date i'v been on since i'v been out. we went to eat at montanas and we got to talk and shit. she was going to go over to another friend of hers,but it didnt work out so she came over here and got me. i think we hit it off alright. i was depressed for most of the night and im not sure why. going on my passes and not doing anything really bothers me. plus i was expecting loren to not call me or something. or to not be intresting in me or some crap like that. i figured she would find something wrong with me. i mean why would someone like me right? thats how i view reality most of the time. I have a fucked up view on reality, especially now that its not all tore up with chemicals. you think that it would clear up a little bit,but hell no it hasn't. i have more major problems with depression and mood instability. i have been off of drugs for like 9 months on the 5 of april and im still all messed up emotionally and chemically. i think it is the fact that i some what self medicated myself with all the drugs. i was supposed to go to mhmr to get a pyshcological evaluation, and maybe i still should.

im really glad that i have faith for a friend. she is really the only friend i have right now that isnt incarcerated at the halfway house. if it werent for her then i dunno what i would do. otherwise i would have nobody to talk to or associate with. the only times iv went out and did anything is when she was involved. she is really loved and appreciated and i hope she knows that.. love you faithy.
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