Michael Ruddell (pr_toman) wrote,
Michael Ruddell
pr_toman

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Fuck the world..

I would like to say that in general people are fucking stupid. They have no clue how to relate with people. Or express themselves on a normal everyday basis. If something bothers them they hide it and decide not to tell other people because they think it'll be better off that way, but thats fucking retarded. Whats the point of not being honest with someone when your not its like your lying to yourself and everybody else. It makes me wonder how often I am lied to by people that I care about and are close to me. It just makes me sick. Physically and psychologically sick. I said in the dark and I see the clock it'ss 11:40 and there is nothing I can do about how I feel about my pathetic life. All day I have been trying to figure out how I could fix this, why that is going wrong, but I am through. Theres no point in having stressfulthings in my life anymore. I am sick of putting all my trust in people and them turning around and stabbing me in the back or being decieptful. You think you care about someone or something and it turns out to be a false hope or a premisconception and it turns out in the end you were wrong to put your energy into it.

I see a bright light. Some of you might ask what that light is. Some of you may think it represents hope, and some may have their own opinion about what the light represents. But to me the light is simple. It represents something far less important then hope, far less important then the simplest thing. The light I see lets me know that I should keep going and shoudlnt give up. That light used to be in a person but not anymore. The light I see represents loneliness and happiness. No matter what emotion the light represents its a constant reminder of the failure in my life.

When do you really know when you should let your feelings and emotions not get attached? I've always had a hard time doing that myself. I love people and they obviously dont give a shit about me. I let myself be concerned with their wellbeing. I guess that is one of mt weaknesses. I always am confused on whether that is a good thing or a bad thing, but recently it has come to my attention that it is definately a negative thing. I consider myself a confident person when it comes to loves in relationships, but when you are with someone that cant even understand their own feelings its a real depressing thing. I cant understand why the majority of people cant express themselves, show their feelings, be honest with themselves, be honest to their boyfriends, and deal with their own emotions. It is beyond my understanding. I try very hard to be a good person and to make other people happy. I know nobody is perfect and god know Im not; but i liked part of being in a relationship so that the other person can help make you a better person and guide you when you do something wrong or that bothers them. If two people that are together cant even be honest with each other how can they expect their relationship to work? I think honesty is not just lying to someone, its also not telling them how you feel and what bothers you. I think that I've done my best to do that in my relationship, but obviously my girlfriend doesnt do that. That disturbs me greatly. Im kind of lost in the dark here about what I should do. I read this and I read that. But nothing is said to me so what the fuck am I supposed to believe or think. See I get online and read her journal entries, but when I talk to her its always a completely different story. Im really at loss for words here. It unfuckingbelieveable at how yesterday I think things are so perfect and yet today I dont even know if we are going to be together tomorrow. Things are so weird and I have no fucking clue what I did. That bothers me. Seriously if Krysta is in Granbury she should have found time and a way to come see me. I couldnt imagine taking a trip to Stephenville and not finding time to see my girlfriend. Who knows when I am going to get to see her again and shes going to Fort Worth with Jen tomorrow and Im almost willing to bet anything that she wont find time to come see me. But that is expected. I knew the minute she told me not to come get her I wouldnt be seeing her today. Maybe I shouldnt be pissed off about that, but who knows if I am anyways. I sometimes wonder if Krysta even wants to be in this relationship anymore. She tells me she does, but that doesnt mean anything. If she doesnt, I wish she would tell me so I dont fucking waste my time.

So in conclusion, my life is fucking confusing and tortureous. Maybe I am just reacting, but thats just what I do when I really care. Tomorrow Krysta and I will be together one month. Wow..fun filled day of sitting on my ass and most likely not hanging out with Krysta. This relationship rating on a one to ten we would probably be about a eight. I was just so sure that Krysta was going to be a perfect 10.
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